


i'll love you to the moon and back

by koganegawas



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Character Death, Depression, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-11
Updated: 2016-03-11
Packaged: 2018-05-26 02:28:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6220078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koganegawas/pseuds/koganegawas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a fic where dan and phil are best friends from childhood, but phil suffers from depression. and one night, it takes him to his grave. they never get to grow up together, and dan never gets to tell phil that he loves him.</p><p>warnings: (tw) suicide, (tw) depression, (tw) panic attacks, (tw?) gay slurs, (tw) bullying, (tw) self harm, too many trigger warnings, angst</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'll love you to the moon and back

**Author's Note:**

> listen to ronan by taylor swift for a sadder effect :') the ending is sort of a sonfic w that song as well
> 
> edited by @fruitopialester on instagram (follow her shh)

Dan can't believe that this has happened.

He was only fourteen. Fourteen was too young to have a friend taken by suicide. No age is right for that, actually.

Phil, his best friend since forever, had died.

-

They're 3, in preschool, Dan has just been dropped off in a fitful of tears. He doesn't want to be here full of all these new people and alone without his parents.

He looks around, scared. He doesn't know what to do.

And then this boy with bright blue eyes walks up to him like a ray of sunshine and says, “Hi! My name's Phil! What's yours?”

Dan looks up, a little less scared, and says, “I'm Dan”

Phil smiles again, and says, “Want to play with me in the sandbox?”

Dan can't believe he's talking to someone other than his parents for the first time. “O-Okay”

“Good!”, Phil exclaims, and drags Dan towards the sandbox, where they happily play for hours.

-

“Hey!”, he hears Phil's voice, seemingly miles away, as he's shoved into the wall for the millionth time.

They're 9 now, primary school age.

Dan constantly gets bullied by the other kids for being different, being weird, and for bringing Phil a flower from the field.

He doesn't understand. What's wrong with giving a gift to his best friend?

Another push, another kick. Dan winces, he's going to have bruises for days.

“Stop that!”, Phil yells. “What has he done to you, besides being a thousand times smarter than you idiots?”

Phil comes and shoves one of the boys aside. That boy was called Andrew, he thinks, one of his first tormentors.

Bad idea, Dan wants to yell. Now all of the boys attentions' are on Phil. They stray away from Dan and instead start attacking Phil.

And from then on, Phil was the one getting picked on, and Dan couldn't stop it, no matter what he tried.

-

Secondary school was bad for both of them.

Dan finds out that he was gay when he's 11. He's looking through this magazine that Phil's brother, Martin, had found a few months ago, and realizes that he wasn't staring at the girls wearing barely anything, but the countless shirtless guys featured.

He doesn't know why. It wasn't normal, was it? Dan had often heard his classmates talking about how hot a girl in a higher grade was, but never saw the appeal of girls. They didn't like Dan, he was weird and a nerd and “uncool”.

He prefers to stay with guys. Well, mostly Phil, his best friend. At least Phil seemed to like him.

Dan was so confused, he asked his parents. And didn't get good responses back.

Dan's dad got angry right away. He screams and screams for what seems like hours on end, about how Dan was a “fag” and “pathetic”.

Dan's mom isn't much happier. She says something along the lines of “go to your room” and “I don't understand” and “why oh why”.

His relationship with his parents dies away, just like that.

Phil on the other hand, had it much worse. While Dan's parents seemed to hate him, Phil's parents were too much in grief to care.

Phil's older brother had passed away, killed by a fatal car crash. Dan remembers Phil calling him on that day, he remembers the date, October 25th, and Phil's voice breaking and saying “Oh God oh God oh God Martin is gone Dan please please”

Dan had never felt more scared.

He goes over to Phil's house right away and finds Phil sobbing into his pillow. He quickly gives him a huge hug, he doesn't want Phil to be in this state.

Phil continues to sob into Dan's chest for at least an hour, Dan comforting him.

Phil didn't ever seem okay after that.

-

They're 13 now. Phil never seemed completely happy or completely at ease, but when Dan asked, Phil would just brush it off.

They've gotten two new friends in their little group, Chris, an energetic, always positive guy, and PJ, who seemed so cool and creative and nice.

Dan's parents haven't gotten much better, they rarely talk and when they do, they argue the whole time. But it's okay because Dan has his new friends and doesn't need them anymore.

Phil still gets bullied by the same guys that bullied Dan all those years ago. They shove him around and push him into lockers and call him a “faggot” and a “cocksucker” because he hangs out around Dan and it just reminds him of his father.

Dan tries to help, to fight back, but they're not nearly as strong enough and those boys never seem to get caught. Phil's eyes are always sunken and he always has bruises everywhere and he winces with every movement.

And Dan learns that Phil has panic attacks. Things can trigger him, and Dan has to be careful. Anything with death, with cars, with so much that Dan can't keep track.

They're pretty bad. The first time was when Dan was at Phil's house again, playing GTA. And Phil's car crashes into another and then something in Phil broke. He drops the controller and starts shaking violently, tears pouring down his cheeks. Dan tries to comfort him, help him. But he seemed so distant, so far away. Thirty minutes had passed, and Phil had blacked out.

Dan was so scared. So so scared. But Phil was okay, at least for him, after it was over.

-

Dan thought he knew everything about his best friend. But he didn't, oh, he really didn't.

He didn't know that Phil cut his arms everyday, red pouring from his pale arms.

He didn't know that Phil wanted to die all the time.

He didn't know that Phil was never happy, always felt worthless and hopeless.

Phil really was never okay.

And Dan hadn't known this until Phil had killed himself, at the age fourteen, on October 25th, the anniversary of his brother's death.

-

Dan is shaking so hard. He still can't believe it, refuses to believe it. Phil, dead? The same boy who came up to him to say hello, Dan's first best friend. Who protected him from those bullies and in return got bullied himself?

Dan really didn't know Phil. Not at all.

And he rereads Phil's suicide note for the millionth time, studying every word, written with shaky hands and a broken soul.

“Dan,  
You're my best friend. The one I met back in preschool and we played for hours together, forever. The one who got bullied in school and I had to protect you because you didn't deserve it. The one who helped me when my brother died.

I told you everything.

Or so you thought.

Really, there's a lot that I haven't told you.

I have depression, Dan. I can't find the happiness in anything except for you. I'm worthless, I'm a mess, I'm pathetic. And you can't keep on trying to help me. You should probably also know I slit my wrists everyday when I come home. It sounds gruesome, and it sounds so pathetic. But it helps me, and I couldn't have told you this because you'd tell someone else and I can't let anyone know.

You can't help me through all my panic attacks, all my ultimate lows.

And I'm just a burden to you, a dead weight. You keep getting dragged down because of me. You get in trouble at school because of me, your parents are always yelling at you because of me.

So I'm going to leave this earth, forever. And please don't miss me, Dan, because I'm not worth it.”

Ronan by Taylor Swift is next on his playlist as another tear runs down his face. He's not a fan of Taylor Swift, but he discovered this song and somehow, it really related to him and his situation.

He presses play on his phone, and the song starts.

**I remember your bare feet down the hallway**

Dan remembers Phil running across the hallway, shouting about how they're going to the zoo together on the weekend when they were only seven years old.

**I remember your little laugh**

Dan remembers when he makes Phil laugh with a stupid joke or story, and feeling a sense of accomplishment.

**Race cars on the kitchen floor, plastic dinosaurs**

They used to play together at one of their houses, with their toys, laughing for hours on end.

**I love you to the moon and back**

Dan would do anything for Phil.

**I remember your blue eyes looking into mine**

Phil's intense blue eyes staring into his own, Dan feeling a surge of emotions through his veins. Phil's eyes daring him, asking him.

**Like we had our own secret club**

They had a treehouse until it broke. They'd spend all their time after school up there, reading or drawing or talking.

**I remember you dancing before bed time**

They had so many sleepovers together.

**Then jumping on me, waking me up**

Dan remembers getting mad at Phil because he woke him up way to early.

**I can still feel you hold my hand, little man**

They used to hold hands together even though other boys thought it was weird and disgusting.

**And even the moment I knew  
You fought it hard like an army guy**

Dan knows that Phil fought hard with himself, his feelings. Now he knows.

**Remember I leaned in and whispered to you  
Come on baby with me, we're gonna fly away from here**

Dan remembers telling Phil that they'd run away one day, together, living life however they'd want away from this town and into somewhere new, fresh.

**You were my best four years**

They'd known each other for more than four years, much more, but when Dan was with Phil, it'd be the best times of his life.

**I remember the drive home  
When the blind hope turned to crying and screaming "Why?"**

When Dan's parents drove him to the hospital after Phil's suicide attempt, hoping that they'd bring him back to life (even his parents were nice enough to drive him). And leaving knowing that Phil was actually, really dead.

**Flowers pile up in the worst way, no one knows what to say  
About a beautiful boy who died**

Phil was beautiful, inside and out. He was so nice, so funny, so beautiful.

**And it's about to be Halloween  
You could be anything you wanted if you were still here**

October 25th was the day Phil had left the earth. It was almost Halloween, they could've dressed up even though they were “too old”. And Dan could pretend that they were somewhere else, they could've been anyone, anything,

**I remember the last day when I kissed your face  
And whispered in your ear**

Dan remembers kissing Phil's cheek when they were nine, thinking it was normal, telling him secrets.

 **Come on baby with me, we're gonna fly away from here  
** **Out of this curtained room in this hospital grey, we'll just disappear  
** **Come on baby with me, we're gonna fly away from here  
You were my best four years**

They were going to run away. They were going to.

 **What if I'm standing in your closet trying to talk to you?  
** **What if I kept the hand-me-downs you won't grow into?  
** **And what if I really thought some miracle would see us through?  
What if the miracle was even getting one moment with you?**

Dan wishes he had a miracle. He wishes that Phil could have survived.

 **Come on baby with me, we're gonna fly away from here  
** **Come on baby with me, we're gonna fly away from here  
You were my best four years**

**I remember your bare feet down the hallway  
I love you to the moon and back**

Another tear. Dan looks up and out of his bedroom window. Phil Lester, his best friend, was dead. Gone forever. And nothing could change that.

And maybe Dan was in love with Phil. How endearing he was, how kind, Dan really did love Phil.

But he never told him, and he'd never get a chance to now. He was gone.


End file.
